I am Most at Home in the Fantasy
“It feels incredible to be back. I can’t stop smiling. I’m turned on all. the. time.
I feel more embodied than I have in my entire life. I feel feminine, sensual, powerful. I can’t wait to see who I meet next!”
That’s what I said to my psychotherapist during our last session as I threw my head back and laughed followed by a sigh full of delight as I settled into my seat and got comfortable to begin our 50 minutes together.
Back in October I wrote about needing a few months off. I was beyond burnt out and for all intents and purposes I was not great at my job during that time (as you can see in a previous post, I'm Not A Good Sex Worker(Right Now)) . After that I took six months off and I couldn’t have forseen the positive impact it has had on me physically, mentally, and sexually. When I decided to start seeing clients during my April visit to the bay area I was nervous. I felt ready, but the creeping thoughts of ‘what if’ haunted me. What if I get anxious again? What if I am still too tired? What if I forgot how to do this?! Then I saw my first client in months. As he walked in the what if’s faded away, I was present with the fascinating person across from me. There wasn’t an ounce of anxiety or worry within me. Part of what I love so much about this work is the vulnerability and intimacy that can happen due to the nature of the relationships we form. These encounters exist only within the context of a fantasy, but within the fantasy is perhaps when we are most ourselves.
Think about it, what is more honest than the fantasies we create and play out when we are given the space to do so? We get to be whoever and whatever we want in those moments without the worry of societal pressure, judgment, expectations even if just for a couple hours. What we choose (or don't) speaks volumes and exposes glimpses of our psyches to those around us. I like to believe that in these moments we are who we want to be and can release the parts of ourselves we’ve had to put away for one reason or another. And I feel lucky to be someone who can offer such an environment to others (and myself). New clients are often taken aback by my ability to talk theory, politics, life’s nuances, mental health – you name it I can likely talk about it and eloquently so, please don’t make me talk math it is the only one I can’t (and don't want to) hang with! And if I don’t know about something I’m comfortable sharing that, listening, and learning. I’m voracious when it comes to learning and am eternally curious. I jump from intellectual conversations to play and humor then deep into sensuality, seduction, embodied desire. I love to inhabit all of these things and do so naturally when I am at my best…And I’m back at my best. I'm happiest and most myself immersed in fantasy.
I didn’t realize just how much had missed the admiration I see in my client’s eyes as they get to know me, as our hands meet for the first time, as tension rises and finds release. I missed creating safety and sensual energy, discovering worlds within someone’s mind and body, being a source of fantasy and desire for those who met me. This (and yes, the money) is why I got into this line of work. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m a natural because I enjoy it. I let myself become immersed in the fantasy because in that moment that is all we have.
I learned a lesson in the importance of taking breaks even if it is a big expense, no amount of money could make me enjoy the work if I was feeling like a candle burning on both ends – burnout is not fun. Now that I’ve recovered I will be announcing travel dates every couple of months I want to explore new places, people, and landscapes. My curiosity is insatiable once again.
It feels incredible to be back. I can’t stop smiling. I’m turned on all. the. time.
I feel more embodied than I have in my entire life. I feel feminine, sensual, powerful. I can’t wait to see who I meet next.